You know what they say about the kind of love story that we always feel is right, yet we can never get our heads around it? That is just how it is when you are falling in love with a married man.
When you are in a relationship, you do all the normal things that couples do. You go out for brunch together. You go for double dates with other couples. You plan vacations and you can’t wait to tell your friends about how amazing it was. But if you are in love with a married man, you will be doing all these things in secrecy, unless your man is in an open marriage agreement.
My relationship with a married man almost ruined my life, until that one day. It still causes my heart to beat faster but I suppose I did the right thing. When it comes to falling love with a married man, I can give you two sides of a story. The one where the marriage broke to encourage the affair and the one where the affair broke to encourage the marriage. Of course, one of the other stories is more of a friend’s, but more on that later.
Falling in Love with a married man:
First let me make this clear. I am not going to give you the real names. So I suppose I will go with John and Trudy.
John and Trudy were married for 7 years and lived in Seattle. It was Trudy’s second marriage and John’s first. Trudy had children from her previous marriage, who were now part of John’s family. They were a happy couple and their kids were the best any parent could ever ask for. Both of their children were in their teens when John and Trudy decided to part ways. So surely, they were old enough to understand what affairs meant.
John and I worked together. He wasn’t a friend or a foe. He was just a colleague. I was single when I joined the office and soon I was seeing someone from outside my office. I worked at the firm for a good 3 years. When John and I started talking and getting to know each other, I was just out of a long relationship and I was vulnerable. But no, we did not hook up right away if that is what you think we did.
So this is how I met John. My friend was getting married and I was part of her bachelorette party. It was in this posh club in Seattle and we were all having a crazy night. I was drunk, not out of my senses but drunk enough to know that I was missing my boyfriend. I was trying too hard to not drunk dial my ex and cry to him. That would just be so desperate. So here’s what I did. I ended up on the bar when my friends were about to leave. I was still sitting there with a drink. I didn’t go home. Well it wasn’t like there was anyone to go home to, so I thought I would just linger around for a while.
Anyway, I saw John there and he was with a few other men whose faces I remember vaguely, considering the amount of alcohol in my body. I politely nodded at John when he smiled back. I was almost about to start crying and I don’t really remember the reason. I was very sure on not crying in front of my colleague. I don’t know how he thought he should talk to me, but I am thinking that he was able to gauge my sadness and my almost-about-to-cry face. So he came by, took a seat next to me and ended up talking to me. I can’t say that his presence made me feel special, I would just say that having someone by your side when you are down clearly helps you feel better. It takes your mind off few things.
In the time that he spent talking to me, we spoke about our jobs, a few office gossips and discussed about the likes and dislikes of our TV characters and we also started talking about where we grew up and the like. There were a lot of common things between me and John. I regretted not having spoken to him and not getting to know him for all these days that I worked with him.
So the first day that we actually talked, he came across as a sincere and honest man, charming wit and a smile like that of a school boy’s. I realized he was married when he left a voice mail to his wife. Apparently she was in her parent’s place with their children. He told me about how he fell in love with his wife and I got to admit this, there was a tiny pang of jealousy in my gut that wondered why I wasn’t with a man like this. Or specifically him. I brushed the thought aside as I drove back home that night, feeling better after a long time. It was a weekend and I still had until Monday to see what he was like at the office.
Maybe this whole “being nice” was just because I was going through a rough time. Maybe he was a complete douche bag otherwise. I didn’t know anything about him from my time in the office, except that he sits on the other side of the floor and drinks at least 3 cups of coffee from the coffee machine that is across my cabin. So then Monday came and I left to my office as usual and when I reached there, I wanted to see if he had come. But considering the thought that it is plain stalker-ish, I went on with my work. Around mid-day, he stopped by my cabin to say hi when he was going to get his cup of coffee. It was good that he wasn’t different from how he was the night before.
We walked down to the parking lot together, while we filled each other in on the details of our day and parted ways. This went on for a good two to three weeks. We then started catching up for a cup of coffee at a café nearby and going out for lunches to a deli close to the office. We were becoming good friends and we made sure we stopped by each other’s cabins just to talk in the middle of our workday. A few of my colleagues found it interesting that he was into me and teased me about it. I let it slip and told them that there was nothing going on and that he was married.
But was there really nothing to it? I am not sure. I notice the way he smiles at me and it looks a lot like he likes me. I noticed how he talks to other women at the office, women that are way hotter than I am and I realize that he is not even slightly affected by their presence. And yet, here he is, with his face turning like that of a school boy’s when he sees me. I put my doubts to rest and hope that he isn’t in love with me while secretly a part of me also hopes that he is.
The first time we kissed was when I realized that both of us had feelings for each other. At that time, it felt like the right thing to do. But a minute or two after our passionate making out, both of us were not able to look at each other in the eye. He was thinking about his wife back home and I felt disgusted that I kissed a man who is a husband and a father. We realized that we were very much in love with each other when we spoke about it. And then from stolen kisses, it went on to become hot and passionate love making. I was happy that I was finally getting to have a man that was in love with me, who was fierce and gentle at the same time.
But yet, somewhere, there was always a part of me that thought that this wouldn’t go on for a long time. He was happy when he was with me and he loved me every moment of every day when we were together. But I couldn’t stay with him for a night and he could not stay in my house for the night without giving a completely believable reason. As happy as we were to have found each other, I could see how much it tore him from inside to cheat on his wife.
I was the other woman. I was the dirty mistress. To Trudy, I was the woman that lurked in the dark and pounced on her husband until I got the best of him. To John’s kids, I was the cool friend from their dad’s office that always flushed a little when she saw their mom. With an office that holds retreats often, it is not easy to stay away from the families of co-workers. I had the unfortunate luck of camping with Trudy and it almost made me want to throw up from within. I was disgusted that I was being the ”other woman” to this wonderful woman who treated me like I was her sister. It killed me to know that she trusted me so much that she told me that she thought John was going through a hard time. What’s even worse, she told me that I could look out for him since we were good buddies.
It had been a hard time to keep the affair away from other co-workers and my friends. I met an amazing man but I was not in any state to even talk about it to my own parents. Who would be pleased in listening to a daughter’s tale of ruining another couple’s marriage? The camping retreat hosted by my firm that brought Trudy and me close to each other, showed me how scared I was if she was ever going to find out about our little secret. It killed me to see the man of my dreams, the man I loved kissing a woman, and knowing that there was nothing I can do about it. Being the other woman made me realize what I was doing to Trudy.
It made me realize what I was doing to John. John was obviously stressed out. He struggled with spending time with me and spending time with his family and was unable to do either one properly. Most of the times, our dinner reservations went to waste because Trudy and the kids wanted a pizza night. Sometimes, he would miss his son’s football match because he was absent minded as he was lying beside me.
I saw how my love for him and his love for me tore him from within. I was not married and I was not in a relationship. I had very few people to justify my affair to and even the ones that I owed an explanation to, where not people that would be hugely affected by my affair. I realized I had to put an end to it. We can’t go around with this little fantasy affair of ours forever. There is no way that I would ask John to seek divorce and marry me. I couldn’t do that for Trudy and John couldn’t have done it too. Yet, he was willing to end his marriage so that he could be my partner for the world to see. I am sure that he wanted to comfort me while also comforting his mind, through a documented separation. If he was legally free to do anything, there wouldn’t be this much guilt. Anyway, I told him that there was no need for a divorce.
We finally had the “talk”. After a few hours of silence and pain, we decided that it was the best thing to do. John wanted to tell Trudy about this. I suggested otherwise. We argued and confessed our love for each other in the most arrogant way possible. Yet, I was clear on ending this. After that day, I changed my office and moved to another neighbourhood. I changed my phone number and kept myself occupied with other things to do. I did it because I knew that we were not going to be able to stay away from each other. This was the only way in which I could make sure that I did not ruin a family forever. Part of me also did this because I should not have any option to look back. So I am here now and I am lonelier than the first time John spoke to me. He was probably the love of my life, but he was a life that I couldn’t afford to live.
The love affair that shattered a family:
This was an experience that is my friend’s and it happened way before my little “affair” surfaced. She was the other woman that caused a family to split so that she could live her fairy tale. Well it seems too brutal when I put it this way, but even if I was to sugar coat this, there is no getting away from the fact that my friend did in fact ruin a once happy family.
Donna and Kevin were in an affair for almost 2 years. Kevin was married for about 14 years since college and he married the love of his life or so, he thought. But things weren’t really going well especially because Kevin’s wife was getting too tired of their marriage. Their 14 years of marriage had a son and a daughter to tell their tale. On their 15th wedding anniversary, things were already starting to change. For 14 years Kevin stayed loyal to his wife, his family and his career. He was almost like a robot when Donna came in to his life. 23 year old Donna was all that he needed to end his marriage and cut ties with his family.
Kevin ran an established business, making more money than others in Texas. He had a great office and a warm home for his loving family. But it all seemed too mechanical. He worked hard and took care of his family. That was all that happened. In the initial stages of his business, Kevin’s kids were still way young, meaning that they spent most of their time with their mother who was pining for her husband. Now he was established but with very little ties with his wife. His wife did not talk to him anymore, there was nothing left to talk. They only discussed about the occasional demands of the kids’ school and spoke about birthday parties and dinner plans for their anniversary. He was missing all the love and the spark in his marriage.
When Donna worked as his secretary, he was ultimately spending more time with her, going out for their business trips that later extended for their personal reasons. As my friend stated it, one thing led to another and before they knew it, they were inseparable. My friend understands now that her twenties fascination led her to having an affair with a man without any hesitation for 2 years. Only when Kevin and Donna’s affair started to leak was it becoming an issue.
When Donna made love to Kevin, all that she could see was how hurt and wounded he was. When she loved him, she could feel him growing stronger emotionally and she could see the capabilities of how happy he could be if he was loved and cherished every day. So that is exactly what she did. She loved and he loved her too. Devoid of all emotions in a marriage, Kevin found this affair to be an escape where he could live his fantasies. He could feel being loved and he could pour out his whole heart to the woman he loved, only to realize that she was his elixir.
Their sex life was passionate. Since it was not very hard to go for business meetings, Donna and Kevin had many vacations where they truly discovered what their relationship meant. This went on for a good two years until Kevin’s wife confronted him. Angry, confused, ashamed and guilty, Kevin was going to give in to the demands of his wife- a divorce. Her reasons were pretty simple- Her children were old enough to understand what went wrong and she never cheated on him despite the fact that she did not receive any of the love and passion that she was meant to. She didn’t want to live with someone who betrayed her trust and played around for all this while.
Hence, it happened. They divorced. Now Kevin could spend all the time in the world with Donna. In his denial, he was already proposing to Donna, after six months of his divorce. And another six months after that, they were married. Donna was living her life until Kevin’s denial disappeared and became guilt. All the feelings he hid when his wife wanted a divorce were surfacing now and with Donna, he was confident that she would understand him. But Donna was beyond all that. She could not get over the fact that she married a man who was proposing in haste and couldn’t believe that she was living with a man who still lived with the memories of his ex-wife. He didn’t love his ex-wife. He was guilty and ashamed of what he did and now after marrying Donna, he was rethinking his decision.
My friend then decided that it was time for couple therapy and so that happened. They are still married now but their marriage still has scars of Kevin’s first marriage. They love each other but they are also aware of the fact that love alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. So now, from a mistress to a wife, the transition doesn’t seem to be all the great. In fact, at times Donna feels that she felt more alive when she was in an affair.
How do men cheat on women?
Men don’t deliberately cheat on women. If they are in love with a woman that they are sure is the one, then they would try their best to avoid extra marital affairs. But marriage and love are both two sided concepts. The contribution to the relationship from just one person isn’t going to do the trick. Both partners need to equally love and respect one another for the relationship to remain happy.
Men cheat on women majorly for two reasons. The first is if he feels like he is not loved. Women tend to think that when they are married, their love is safe and hence fail to put in an effort that they once made when they were dating. With all the charm gone, men think that they are not too important for the woman they love. With this doubt, they are more vulnerable and more likely to get into affairs.
The other one is if a woman does not care for herself. While character changes are something that make men want to cheat on their wife, no change at all or a bad change scares them too. If a woman does not look after her appearance, men tend to think that she does not feel that her man is worthy of having the best of her in the relationship. This again, makes men cheat on women who are attractive and aware of their appearance.
What kind of a woman has an affair?
Well the kind of woman that your husband might end up having an affair with is almost always a lot different compared to you. Why? Because men want to be in a relationship where they find everything that they can’t find in a marriage.
If a woman does not love her man enough or if she is getting unattractive each day, then her husband is more likely to cheat on her with a woman who has killer looks and reciprocates his feelings in a way that his wife simply couldn’t.
Why are affairs with co-workers a common thing?
The second place that men spend most of their time apart from their home is their office. You may think that while someone is in the office they are always surrounded by piles of paperwork and deadlines to finish and hence socializing is something that cannot be achieved. Men and women who work in an office for long hours are generally forced to get to know each other just like how a student makes friends in college. They all have one thing in common- their job.
Men cheat on their wives with a woman from the office because, considering where they spend most of their time, getting out and socializing like good old days isn’t going to get them anyone. They sit in their office all the time and make friends there. These friendships then grow into a strong attraction, given the fact that they see each other every day. So in a spur of the moment or to relieve themselves from their stress, co-workers end up having affairs.
Having an affair with a married man clearly ruined my life. Even when I started over, it was hard to explain to people about why I did it in the first place. Friends and family were too disgusted but still ended up being by my side. There is a reason why we marry a person. It is because we want a lifetime with the person we love. When you are falling in love with a married man, you are falling in love with someone who has already dedicated his life for one woman.
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