When in a relationship, we do strange things. Some of us even accept things that are otherwise considered abnormal or intolerable. Cheating is one such thing. An unfaithful partner is a terrifying thing in the life of a spouse and you should never put up with cheating. Whether you decide to report a cheater, get a divorce or continue in the relationship, it depends on how your spouse behaves after getting caught. If the partner asks for forgiveness and is ready to mend the ways, you can always give it a try.
However, there are certain things you should never do when dealing with infidelity after you come to know about the cheating spouse and here are those.
Don’t keep things shut
are you suspecting your spouse? Do you think something is brewing? Instead of seething within yourself, you need to speak out. Of course, you cannot do anything without any proof. Confronting your spouse on the basis of suspicion is wrong. You have to gather evidence, be sure that you are being cheated and then confront. Before that, create a plan, be confident, and decide your line of action before you charge your partner. Go over everything in your head several times as you need to be sure of nailing him or her down.
Don’t pretend
this happens with people who are in a long-term relationship. They tend to ignore the obvious facts. They get into a denial mode because they are too afraid to accept the reality. No matter how hard it is, but you have to accept that your spouse has cheated on you. Denying it would not save your relationship. Moreover, by acting normal, you would be insulting yourself.
So it is better to accept the reality and do something about it. Rejecting the facts would not do any good to anyone in the long run.
Don’t behave like a victim
this is so common and stands opposite to the previous point. Usually, women do this more. Do not fall for it. Cheating is the worst thing that can happen to a person and you never deserved it. No matter whether you are short-tempered or a bad cook, no matter whether you cannot keep the house organized or forgets the car keys, you never deserved to be cheated. There can be no excuse good enough to justify cheating and so stop playing the victim. Your spouse wronged you and if you feel like you should go and report a cheater.
Don’t waste your time on that other person – don’t give that other person mental space. Don’t be too curious and never drag that name every time you quarrel with your spouse. It’s simply not worth it. Why should you waste your time and energy on that person? You have better things to do like looking after yourself, your kids and financial matters.
Don’t be the whining kid
yes, this goes out to those women who feel that pleading, begging and crying would make their spouses repent their acts. There are people who keep on whining and clinging to their partners demanding an apology. They keep on bickering and want to know all the details of the affair. If you feel that staying close to your spouse and quarreling and arguing would make your feel better, you are wrong. Stop doing this. Instead, take a break. Go away somewhere and spend some time alone. You need free time to introspect. You have to think about your future and plan it properly. How are you going to confront your spouse? Are you going to forgive or report the cheater? To think over these issues, you need some free time which you can get only if you take a break from your usual life.
Don’t wash your linen in public
most people do this but let me tell you it is wrong. It is a different thing to share with your friends and close relatives and it is different to tell everyone you know, from the grocer to the milkman about the infidelity. Of course, revealing the cheating is another decision and that should be taken after much forethought. What if today you let the entire world know about the cheating spouse and tomorrow you decide to patch up? If you are determined to expose the cheater, do it in a proper way. There are definite ways of reporting a cheater and making someone pay for the wrong deeds.
Don’t get abusive
again this happens as you lose control over your feelings. It is natural to fly into a rage and feel like destroying everything from his jaw to the television set but that would not give your heart any solace. Believe me, getting into a destructive mode will not repair your broken heart but only cause you more pain, physical, mental and financial. After knowing how your spouse has been cheating on you, it is more important to decide your future course of action.
Don’t break
the moment you come to know about the infidelity of your spouse, your world comes crashing down. You feel like crying, howling, cursing and destroying everything around you. You make yourself feel miserable and your spouse too. Stop doing this to yourself. You deserve better than this. Don’t fall apart, don’t break. You need to tell yourself that you can handle this with dignity. Things will be okay, they really do if you give them time and space.
Don’t involve the kids now
as I said before, there are two ways of handling a cheating spouse. If after talking to your spouse, both of you decide to give the relationship a try, you can do that or else you have to think about separation. In case things get very nasty you may even think about reporting the infidelity. However, before that, it would be wrong to involve the kids. You should postpone sharing the details with them till you take a final stand regarding it.
Don’t start competing with your spouse
this happens out of the desire to take revenge. Since your partner is dating someone younger, you also resolve the same. The competition can happen over giving more attention to the kids, taking them for lavish holidays and many such things. Don’t fall for this. The kids would feel perplexed, you would ruin your finances and at the end, no one wins. That’s more important. Why make it nastier by getting into all this when you have other things to take care of?
Don’t take it as the end
there is no end till you quit. Don’t think your life is over because it is not. Life is too precious to lose over infidelity or any act of immorality. I know the experience is traumatizing and you may feel like giving up but please tell yourself that this is not the end. This too shall pass and you would find love and happiness again.
Don’t take any decision when you are in anger
this is because when we are angry, we tend to think only with our heart, ignoring logic. Before taking any big decision about your life, you should cool down first. Let some time pass, accept the reality, analyze the situation and then take any decision.
Don’t forgive because others are telling you to
people would give you all sorts of advice. From forgiving to taking revenge, from reporting the cheater to making their life hell, your friends and relatives would come up with different suggestions. Understand that they are trying to make you feel better but you should do what your conscience tells you. If you think you should talk to your spouse and try to understand the issues that led to the infidelity, do that. If you want to walk out, do that. Most people would ask you to forgive and continue to be in the relationship if it is a long one. You should listen to them only if your heart says so. If you think that your spouse deserves another chance, give it. Just don’t let anyone dictate it you or make you do it. Forgiveness is a strong feeling and you may take time to feel it. Do take your time, don’t rush into it. If you feel that you should report a cheater, go ahead.
If you are ready to forgive your spouse, do sit together and talk things out. Without accusing anyone, try to get to the root of the problem. What made your spouse stray? What are the things missing in your relationship? Can you plug the loopholes and make it stronger? Sorting the issues before you decide to try again is important. Without doing that, you would be running the risk of continuing in an unhappy relationship that would eventually break. There are some issues that are irrevocable. As for example, lack of time for each other, not interested in sex and giving too much priority to the office can be worked upon with the help of a marriage counselor. However, if you do not love each other, or are too different to stay together, it is always advisable to think otherwise.
Don’t alienate yourself
this is again a natural reaction to the infidelity. People become reclusive. The roller coaster of emotions that you are going through makes you recoil and become alone. Don’t do this to yourself. Find a friend to share your thoughts if you do not want to make the affair public right now. You must open your heart to someone and if that person is your best friend it is better. If you find the pain unbearable or hard to move on, consult a therapist. Get help to tide over the situation and get back into normal life.
Don’t let your self-esteem suffer
you are bound to feel low. Some cases of cheating hit the self-esteem of the partner so hard that they take years to recover. Don’t hold yourself responsible for the act of your spouse. Do not feel bad about yourself because you have not done anything wrong. Do you remember how you rebounded when you lost your job? You still have it in you. Maybe you only have to dig deeper and find out that person again. Try to connect to your real self. Remind yourself that you are still capable of taking care of yourself. Take up dancing, cooking or a hobby. Go hiking, biking or kayaking. Get into intense physical activities to feel better. Do anything that would restore your self-confidence.
If spending time with your friends makes you feel happy, do that. Talk to them, go out and watch movies.
If you think it’s over, get over it
Has your spouse been cheating on you for long? Do you think it’s unforgivable? Do you want to end the marriage and move on in life? So be it. It’s up to you to forgive or forget. Do what you feel right and stick to it. If you decide to report a cheater and lead your own life, be firm about it.
Weigh the pros and cons of it, move into a safe place, take care of the kids and make the affair public. Report it so that no one else is wronged. Get legal help and move ahead in life.
Whatever decision you take regarding a cheating spouse, always remember that your happiness should be your top priority. Never allow anyone to steal it, not even your ex. Don’t fret over the affair, don’t lose your sleep over the other person and don’t fill your heart with anger and jealousy. Don’t live to take vengeance as that would drain you out of your energy and make you feel empty at the end of the day. Instead, forgive, try to forget whatever happened and look at the bright side of life.
You deserve happiness, you deserve love and you deserve a respectful life. If you feel that your spouse is unable to provide that, move on. Life is too beautiful, too precious to lose over a person.
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